10 Things I Wanted For Christmas

     Here’s the letter I sent Kris Kringle this year:
Dear Santa,
     My name is Cheryl. I’m a very good girl. Silence O.K. most of the time.
     I hear your not bad either (except for that little incident in ’72 with the mulled wine and tree garland).
     It’s been a while since I last wrote. Sorry. 
     Emails and texts (not to mention Twitter) are so much easier. No pen and paper to choose, stamps to lick, legible handwriting to agonize over. (Technology is like that wicked bitch you can’t live with but can’t live without- she shall remain nameless).
     Listen, I was thinking, since neither one of us needs much, you might see your way clear to solving a few pissy issues for me.
     They’re not in order of priority, but, at my age- what is?
     So here goes.
     Would you…
1. develop a way to self clean, dry, and fold the laundry, and, while I’m at it, no longer give my husband the false impression that his dry cleaning is my responsibility? Why is it that only one particular shirt makes him happy? None of them fit anyways, and he still ‘tucks’ all of his shirts in- and uses a belt! Who does this?

2. allow me to continue to indulge in crawfish etouffee (with a bloody chaser), and loose that last thirty pounds? (it’s not that last ten anymore) Or at least inspire the makers of Spanx to increase their sizes? I don’t like the look of all of my core weight lifted into my neck, or pushed down to my knees. That means turtlenecks and sailor slacks- neither of which I own, so now we’re talking clothes shopping- in front of a mirror! A MIRROR!

3. find the kid’s jobs? I’m afraid to answer the phone- and I LOVE the phone! 
    It’s awesome how Chase can make a triple electric bill due to a double sub-let, coupled with a tropical storm, salted with a faulty meter, on the next block, seem so reasonable.
   And Bryn can hit an ‘unbelievable opportunity’ in a 5% off sale in a newly discovered store, operated by two gay guys, trying to make a go-of-it, and aren’t they entrepreneurs, that serve coffee and let you use their restroom!-as a life-line to the old fashioned honest-days work for an honest-days-pay adage.
   Boy- if they could bottle this…

4. mellow our cat, Princess Luna, so that we can take her off of Prozac and no longer employ the ‘animal behaviorist’ (at $100 per hour) that doesn’t know as much as I do (…or does he? Who’s scheduling these sessions anyways? OMG! It’s me!!)

5. teach me the wisdom of instructing a man to fish, instead of giving him a trout? I am really sick-and-tired of giving ‘homeless Bobby’ $20 every week to sweep my street leaves because his father has died and he’s trying to buy a bus ticket to Shreveport. I don’t know which is more miraculous; his father’s constant resurrection, the fact that there is crap to sweep-up every week (where does this shit come from anyways?), or that I usually accompany his crisp greenback with a bag of fresh Big Boy tomatoes, when my very own ‘Big Boy’ is expecting a caprese salad for dinner? Another well planned meal bites the dust.

6. have me find, on my frequent antique outings on Magazine Street, that magic mirror the Evil Queen in Snow White gazed in to? Seriously, she had her priorities right- right?

7. let me continue to use airplanes like a bus- just get on and go! (Actually, I think I have to talk to Ben about this one). 

8. grow all the investments I secretly made this year. For me, it really is my hairdresser that’s the only one who knows for sure (fingers crossed David!).  Forget the husband. He’s doesn’t give a Brazilian Blow-out.

9. let that piece of real estate I’ve had my eye on, open-up at ‘under value’- like ‘pennies on the dollar’ under value. After all, it does need A LOT of work, what with Formica topping vintage cypress cabinets, avocado green appliances including an extra freezer space in the walk-in pantry, dicey solid-wood floors under the wall-to wall carpeting, drafty original true divided light ceiling to floor windows, and three old coal burning fireboxes surrounded by hand carved marble mantles that have, at least, half a coat of paint on them. That’s too much reno! How could anyone cope?

10. Oh yes- Peace on Earth. Goodwill towards Men. 
(Like that’s ever going to happen).

Your the Best!

That’s me inside the golden globe.
The Snow Princess hanging at eye level.
So right.

  • jdeneen.com - I think there’s no reason why Santa can’t grant you those wishes…especially about the crawfish etoufee (however you spell that damn word). I’ve got 30 lbs to lose too.ReplyCancel

  • Cheryl - Hi jdeneen! Thanks for the comments! Maybe If I gave up the ‘grape’ (wine) a few would go? Forget it.ReplyCancel

  • Cheryl - Cheryl;
    Thanks for number 8 ,I think you knew I would see it ,by the way I can take care of number 9 for you.
    Your friend ,

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