Oxygen & Presidential Elections

And so it begins…1175 days before we cast our next Presidential votes (My head hurts already).

Let me predict: Hilary will seek and receive the Democratic nod with very little infighting. The Republicans will almost kill each other and by the time they are done we will see a newer brighter more pragmatic party line, as in: a military take-over of a pretend democratically elected president in the Land of the Pharaohs is actually a coup d’etat and as such, we are constitutionally required to stop aide. (Wait- that’s THIS administration. I get this crap mixed up). 

In the spirit of free will and the elections that mock us, I am semi-formally announcing my candidacy for

of These Here 
United States of America 
between Mexico and Canada!
(forget Hawaii and Alaska, too far, too cold.)

My campaign promises will include:

The right to live your life any damn way you see fit as long as you don’t hurt anyone or their property. If you break this rule- you will be sent to the Middle East. If you hurt a child (or an animal)- you will be distinguished. I. Am. Not. Kidding. You will sleep with the fishes (that you probably over harvested from the get-go).

All enclosed spaces, both public, federal, and private, will be kept at a tepid 68 degrees. This is not negotiable. Or even cool enough. I’m bending.

Unpaid internships will be illegal, and punishable by having to switch places with your bullshit employer. Think about THAT! Ha!

All people over the age of 65 will be required to take a yearly driving test. (I will have a chauffeur, so I don’t really care about you) and you know I’m right. It sucks. But I’m right. Or is it left. Or how many car lengths should there be….. it’s a slippery slope people. 

Medical marijuana will be legal in all states and personal consumption will be shared. Pizza after midnight will be federally subsidized, replacing $1,000 government toilets in the Federal Budget- and in the Pentagon (Those people don’t actually use toilets do they? I was led to believe they just ‘held-it’. Sort of like torture training).

Professional sports will only be televised on one day a week. And that will be between the hours of 1 and 2. At night. 

Any woman who desires an ‘up-grade’ on her marriage diamond (and can prove she pushed a bowling ball out of her garden hose), will receive a full carat increase. If this proves problematic with the opposite gender, then I suggest they don’t say a w-o-r-d about the current National Healthcare directive to supply Federally funded birth control medication to any woman who is below the poverty line. NOT ONE WORD.

Farmers will no longer be paid to grow crops like corn for ethanol. 
In fact, ethanol will be a forbidden word, and finally laid to rest like all bad ideas that won’t take a bullet like Rasputin (Do I really have to give you a lesson for the stupidity of this?). Die already. I’m getting old waiting. 

All future voting will take place on Twitter. Just think about it- no weather will ever again interfere with your ability to cast a vote! It will be decided by ‘trending’ #hash tags! Whether you have a laptop or not, we will provide you with a free cell phone. As a matter of fact, we already do! 

And last, but not least, Southwest Airline’s model for first come- first serve seating will be abolished. I have first hand knowledge that ‘up-grades’ do not translate into ease of seating…
unless your on oxygen.


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