This is my list of
(which I am submitting in an attempt to increase my Google ranking- because that’s what’s really important- am I right?)
And not in order of importance…
20. Increasing my Google ranking.
19. The Kardashian’s- in any form- television, perfume, swimwear, divorces, fake marriages, ecetera.
18. Miley Cyrus and her inevitable conclusion- unless, she goes by the way of Angelina Jolie and transforms from blood-wearing lesbian to Mother Theresa. It could happen.
17. Hollywood celebrity political endorsements- they are ACTORS people.
16. Starving myself to still fit into my wedding dress. I’m lucky this way- it was stolen from the dry cleaners 30 years ago. SCORE! ‘Yes, I was always this size’.
15. Being nice. Really. Being nice is over-rated. Being kind is much more lasting. In fact, people that smile all of the time make me suspicious and itchy to hit them up-side the
14. Spanx. They are hot. I can’t breath. I do not need a whole new definition of odd lines in unnatural places making me look like a Ms. Potato Head because my excess is now down at my ankles or up in my throat. Seriously- we could put a man on the moon…
13. Parking in one of the million (Yes, a million. I have counted) handicap parking spaces up front. And don’t give me the ‘well, sometimes you can’t see the handicap’. If I can’t see it, and that young mother is struggling with kids while 9 months preggers and she’s not allowed to park there- then this law sucks and I’m breaking it. In fact, I’ll help you with the kid’s.
12. What’s happening on the other side of the world. How I long for the days before the 24-hour news cycle was created, when I didn’t even know what was happening in the next town over. Bliss.
11. Sex-fueled Vampire entertainment. Since when is submitting to awesome mind-bending sex with immortal afterglow appealing. Oh, wait…
10. Fifty Shades Of Grey- book, movie, Broadway show, greeting cards, album, clothing line, Barbie house, halloween costumes… (do you see where I’m going here?)
9. What color your going to paint your powder room or how many times your kid missed the pot. No one cares. NO. ONE. CARES.
8. How awesome your kid’s are. Mine have more awesomeness. There mine, after all.
7. Eating Organic. I believe there is scientific research that proves genetically altered and preserved foods are actually increasing our life spans. We may grow three eyes along the way, but who among us couldn’t use an additional eye?
6. Professional sports- of any kind. Anything that involves millionaire prima donnas on performance enhancing drugs with an average of 4.2 children born to Baby Mommas and bogus charities- kinda loses it’s luster for me.
5. People who promote steps by which to have great sex after 50. You are not shattering the world, and breaking new ground, with your omnipotence- you are stating the obvious- like turn the light off. Get over yourselves. And for the LOVE OF GOD quite attaching professional photo-shopped photography to your every waking moment. It’s just embarrassing.
4. Getting older. The sticky little detail in this equation is that everyone will get older (YIPPIE!)- you just have to be around long enough to enjoy the fact that you aged more gracefully. This is guaranteed.
3. Walmart. Saving a few extra nickels in exchange for the guaranteed cluster fuck of the shopping experience at America’s number one retail shit show is simply not worth it. (But it does provide some good material I have to admit).
2. If you have fulfilled your destiny. Seriously? Talk about pressure. I consider it a ‘WIN’ if I shave my legs, or come home with everything that was on my grocery list.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING I COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT IF YOU HELD A GUN TO MY HEAD, IS…
1. Having It All. Hell, who in their right mind ‘Wants It All’? I’m happy with my little neck of the woods, flaws and fabulousness, what I can do, not sweating what I can’t, just showing-up with sturdy foundation garments on and a life time of knowing how to fight
battles I can win…