The ‘Highway’ was an ocean.
Thanksgiving in the United States, is the time that we gather to remember the hardships that the original settlers endured to bring forth, into the New World, religious freedoms.
They suffered prosecutions, and petulance, leaky boats and a few bad storms.
They soldiered on overcoming a winter of near starvation and some pissed-off natives.
But they s-u-r-v-i-v-e-d.
In honor of their perseverance, I’d like to take a moment to give Thanks, New Orleans style.
I am Thankful for (not being in jail, being rich, my certainty that cigarettes won’t kill me, that second bottle of Pinot Grigio, a really solid credit score, supportive foundation garments, Botox, my built-in car GPS and satellite radio, french pastry down the street, air travel, good hotels, and my Vietnamese nail salon).
1) Turkey. I love Turkey. I order mine from Langenstein’s. I believe they actually raise the birds in that warehouse across the street and kill them in the parking lot. These are real butchers people. Not pretend butchers.
2) The guy in the beat-up ’72 chevy who parks in front of Matar Dolorosa Catholic Church on Carrollton that sells his produce and takes bets. Where else can you get BigBoy tomatoes and book at the same time?
3) The New Orleans Fairgrounds, Race Course & Slots, where I, and hundreds of other people (that are ready to kill grandma) can enjoy opening day while the turkey is roasting with a big hat on, a fist full of losing tickets, and a tasty Mint Julep. A perfect trifecta.
4) Rouses, for all the fixin’s, and a parking lot where you will not be ticketed for parking in a handicap space. Laws are optional here. And everyone’s handicapped by 6pm. Every day.
5) Praline bacon from Butcher, where they have had the genius to combine two of the most decadent flavors on earth- bacon and brown sugar- for your high cholesterol pleasure. God Bless them.
6) Magazine Street, in general, for hours of shopping for the goodies that Santa can’t produce, because he’s got union problems and is trying to figure out how to get around ObamaCare.
7) Hermes Bar, for their bottomless Mistletoe Martini’s and Gregory, my favorite barkeep, that tunes the flat screen to the endless loop of Christmas carols for me.
8) St. Louis Cathedral– for it’s close proximity to Hermes, because it’s often necessary to repent while filling-up on cheer.
9) To my family for putting up with all of my shit,
10) To homeless Bobby, for reminding me what its’ all about.