Warts And All

In pagan times, with such little knowledge about how the world worked (it’s diseases, finding fresh water, what lightening was, why it wasn’t a good idea to live under an active volcano), people adopted a set of protocols that attempted to explain their lives, which were seemingly out of their control, very short, often painful, and riddled with uncertainty- sort of like today, only we have google and Prozac.

Their lives followed the rhythm of the seasons- PLANT-GROW-HARVEST- “hope ‘ya make it through the freakin’ freezin’ winter ’cause your man is an idiot who can’t even build a respectable hut”, kind of rhythm. 
They worshipped the forces of nature, seemingly all powerful, and unabating.

There were many questions attached to specific rituals and in an attempt to find answers they often asked:

   1) Why did all the women in a tribe bleed at the same time?
   The Answer: So that it would take only one man to impregnate all of them. This is a lesson still practiced by today’s pro basketball players.
   The Ritual: See what man in your tribe could throw his balls the farthest. Am I right ladies?

   2) Why did women with large breasts attract the most mates?
   The Answer: It is genetically imprinted on the male genome to identify full breasted women with being the most fertile. So as to increase their progeny, men often choose these women to participate in long, fulfilling love-making, accompanied by Belgian chocolate and child rearing, cooking, laundry, and fending off large ferocious animals- while the men were away looking for large ferocious animals and Belgium. And their own asses. 
   The Ritual: Today this is closely associated with a greater bartering ability, especially when in negotiations for a reality cable show. 

   3) Why did hair the color of golden flax find itself in flowing tresses on women that were often identified as being great seers?
   The Answer: There is no answer. The world is still trying to figure this one out. It’s a mystery.
   The Ritual: Play-acting, often using primitive tools, the obvious stupidity of the much sought-after buxom blonde in the tribe and wait for one man to acknowledge the obvious. This usually failed, thereby identifying the brunette as a witch and burned at the stake. 

Many of these rituals were practiced in proximity to a wondrous display of nature, like a large rock formation, or mighty waterfall. 

Today, we practice them in gigantic super-domes or with late night porn, but we still celebrate them, oh yes we do, with holidays like Halloween (the night when you would burn fires and mask yourself in frightening ways so as to fend off the evil that might follow you into the dark, or a lawyers office, in the months ahead), and on it’s heals, All Saint’s Daya day of solemnity, celebrating all saints, both known and unknown. A day of obligation in assisting those trapped between purgatory and Heaven.

But this is New Orleans, where the saints are sinners too, Heaven and Hell are neighbors, and nature can be fickle, which must be why…

even our trees have warts.

And we wouldn’t change a thing.

  • bethteliho - hahahaha! I have so many favorite quotes from this post, I ended up almost rewriting the whole thing so I ditched the idea of telling you my favorite line! This was hysterical…warts and all! 🙂 will be sharing it all over the place!ReplyCancel

    • A Pleasant House - Thank You Beth! I’d really love to know how you’d do a rewrite- I’m sure I could learn a lot! Maybe in some spare time- like we have any! Love ya gal!ReplyCancel

  • Alyson H. - I think I need to move to New Orleans.ReplyCancel

  • William Kendall - That is definitely a heck of a tree wart!

    Belgium is one of those things rumored to exist. No one’s really sure it’s there.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Belgian ambassador would like to have a word with me.ReplyCancel

    • A Pleasant House - I’m actually laughing out loud! I’ve been to Belgium once- or was is Bruge, or Brussels? Something with ‘B’ probably BS.ReplyCancel

  • House Crazy Sarah - Cheryl, you have a wicked way with words! My mind is now spinning with images of boobs and warts and stuff. Thanks!!ReplyCancel

  • Timothy Hecht - I would have liked to visit New Orleans with the Burgundy Campaign. Maybe next year.ReplyCancel

  • enchantedseashells.com - Very funny. Now I am not a Double D nor am I blonde. Is there no hope for me?ReplyCancel

    • A Pleasant House - No, there is no hope for US. It has been this way since the beginning of blondedom. Sadly cast aside in favor of the dumb ones because of idiot men. But secretly we rule.ReplyCancel

  • Mike Regione - Am I number 1000? Great post, as usual. I bow to your wittiness, if that is a word.ReplyCancel

    • A Pleasant House - Yes- you’re # 1000!!! You win a prize- you have my permission to visit every day and bask in my wisdom- and make up words to adore me by.ReplyCancel

  • Cary - Dude. You’re kinda brilliant.ReplyCancel

  • Sue - Google, Prozac, and no respectable huts! Loved this pagans of the past and present post. Have to go share now.ReplyCancel

  • Linda Roy - Wow – cool post Cheryl. (I’m sorry it took me all week to get over here. I don’t have my shizz together.) Interesting stuff and that tree? That’s creepy to the Ent degree. (see what I did there?) 😉ReplyCancel

    • A Pleasant House - Hahahaaaa (funny) and no problemo- I don’t actually EXPECT ANYONE to visit- much (This I am not laughing about- maybe crying a little). HA!ReplyCancel

  • Theresa Ledford - “This usually failed, thereby identifying the brunette as a witch and burned at the stake.” I laughed so hard I think I peed a little. Brilliant post as usual! You absolutely crack me up!ReplyCancel

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