Nice to see you again.
I wasn’t sure if you’d show up because I’ve been out of pocket for a few weeks, and well, people can be fickle if you don’t keep feeding them.
But here I am. Home at last. At your beck and call, attempting to bring forth snippets of wisdom and maybe make you laugh, or, after having taken me off your bookmark bar, slap your laptop closed and vow to decrease the ridiculous amount of time you spend reading subpar blogs. Salute! Me too! (But NOT me. Keep reading ME).
However, seeing how the calendar is about to roll over into another year I thought I’d share some perspective on the past 12 months and list a few lies I’m resolving to do in the future.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Abercrombie & Fitch executives respond to backlash from their stalwart advertising platform showing young, slender, tan, carefree, shirtless girls and boys in provocative poses by saying, ‘We don’t want old, fat, cranky, parents as our customers. Just their spawn’.
At least they’re honest right?
Loving the meatballs at Ikea? Can’t wait to sit down for a bowl full? Ever had a pony as a kid? Did you wonder what he’d taste like?
That’s right folks.
Mr. Anthony Wiener continued to amaze the Gods of Hubris, by insisting he was made of the right stuff. Except he isn’t. Even under a microscope.
Ed Snowdon stole, and released, a shitload of XXX, and instead of being hailed a King, found himself living in a Russian airport, vis-a-vis a sleepover with the last remaining communists on the planet (in China). Well done Ed. Your playbook needs a GPS.
The Obama administration crammed a 2700 page law down our throats, which had to be ‘passed’ so as to be read (Thank you Nancy Pelosi. You never fail to fulfill my expectations) and then fired up a Canadian version of George Jetson’s flying car with a website that was more reminiscent of the original Commodore Computer, and dail-up service, then the intended super-sonic futuristic hip smart I Kept My Blackberry launch that the President thought he’d vetted.
You just can’t legislate appreciation, can you?
Multi-Quadrillionaire Warren Buffet wants to pay more Federal taxes.
He wants you to pay more too.
Maybe he can pay mine for me? Yours for you? The entire USofA!!! And the hidden colony of Yetti’s in the pacific northwest and all those pesky illegal aliens flooding our cities and the entire penal institution’s population of unpaid child support?
Buffet For President!
Kanye and Kim named their daughter North, which just proves that fame, fortune, fat asses and heads are not a substitute for responsible parenting. I’m betting North will grow up and change her name to Nancy- Nancy West. And then liken herself to a high-tech crime fighter with an idiot sidekick, get a show, introduce a perfume….. Oh God, it starts again.
DC Comic Book executives refuse to allow the publication of a storyline whereby Bat Woman marries her lover, Maggie Sawyer, citing it as an ‘unbelievable’ path for the heroine.
Really? On so many levels…. Really?
And now for the
Lies I Tell Myself
candy coating them in the name of
I will only enjoy my wine in the company of friends. (Hahhaaaaa)
I will exercise more. (Maybe if Pierce Bronson joins my gym and asks me to show him how to use the Stairmaster. “That’s right. Up and down. Speed up. Slow down. Break a sweat. Here’s a towel. Let me kiss it first.)
I will call my mother more often. (Which means every day for her and twice a week for me. Wait. This sounds like something Ben said to me the other day.)
It’s time to quit smoking. Of course, it’s also time for peace in the Middle East, but I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon, and I usually gage my health considerations on world peace and the price of oil. I’m like that. Globally considerate.
I will try to write my signature with more legibility because those electronic signature pads are ruining my groove. (Actually, this one might be possible.)
I will write better blog posts. Learn how to get my crap to the top of the crap heap. Acquire a million followers. Get a book deal. Be interviewed on the Today Show- just because. Smile sweetly at the onslaught of adoration. Humbly acknowledge the inevitability of it all. Approve the cover photograph of me for Rolling Stone magazine where I look all pensive and hip, gently letting Anna Wintour’s pleas for a Vogue cover-shoot off (Later in the year Anna and I need to be wearing orange). Create a cross-brand for A Pleasant House that includes linens, organic fertilizer, and pink, lighter weight shot guns. Become a silent, yet brilliant, political adviser because I’m more useful ‘behind the scene’ and I like using secret handshakes. Acquire my ticket to space from Sir Richard Branson in exchange for decorating his space shuttle (Hint: Mid-century modern. So tongue-n-cheek don’t ya think?)
And lastly, get more serious, because the world is a serious place, with serious problems, that require serious solutions from serious A-D-U-L-T-S ….
|I’m not ON the steps.
No rules broken here.