Still on the heels of retrospection concerning 2013, I find myself thinking (always dangerous)… thinking of the events that effected me, or mine, and how the hell I can avoid them in the future.
I began last month by deciding to not blog during the holiday season. Just too much going on. Not enough time to give it my all. Prioritizing family and friends over the enormous time and effort of attempting to create a blog worth reading- and then promoting it across social media. If you only knew (and some of you do).
But this post isn’t about writing, or blogging, or feeding my virtual ego.
This post is about thinking.
My father died under unbelievable circumstances in 2012. He did not leave a hole. More like a dark room that I choose not to enter often- at least not without a flashlight and a playbook. Enough.
Both of my in-laws passed away in 2013. I loved them very much. We were close. I was not there at the end. After 30+ years of support and love. Shame on me.
My beloved sister-n-law passed away after a long battle with cancer that began in her breast.
This took my breath away. I am still reeling, and my husband (her brother) is still hyperventilating. We are trying to relearn how to breath- together. Some times pure oxygen is required. Sometimes just letting a moment of remembrance pass over us without a word. Like that. Hard.
My sister and I had a knock-down-dragout a little over a year ago. We’re back to normal but we’ve chosen to ignore it- or I have. I don’t think we can get to the bottom of a bottomless pit. I just want to hold onto each other, fight and forgive, and laugh- always laugh. And love each other so much it hurts- and sometimes it does.
My mother has gotten older and I’m having a hard time forgiving her for that. I thought she’d be young and live forever. What a disappointment to find out she’s actually not invincible.
I miss girlfriends. Mine are all over the country- not necessarily next door, or down the block. Advise: do not expect to make new lunch-ready girlfriends in a new city at 50+ years old with no little kids to push you together. Women my age have their friends and are not looking to make new BFF’s. That’s a fact. As it should be.
I’m wondering how Ben and I will march into the future. What will it look like? Will we always laugh? Will he remember to kiss me even when I look like hell? Will his desire to fish and mine to travel mesh? Or will we just be room mates with children in common, and medications?
How will I keep myself relevant in my children’s lives when they both live so far away? Will I be a good mother-n-law? A good grandmother? How will this work?
Thinking and feeling my way through the future, a future that can’t be avoided, no matter how hard I try.
What I do know is that I will persevere, and thrive, and continue to try, all hard…
|Our late season harvest from the garden.
Those are LEMONS, people, not grapefruit.