Cheryl Interviews Herself

I have decided to conduct an interview with myself because no one else will and I’m sorta pissed about that but I always loved Merv Griffen and I’ve been answering his questions in my car (head) for as long as I can recall and they just have to come out or I’m gonna get in a wreck. 
Cheryl. Welcome. It’s so nice to have you here.

Thanks Merv. It’s my pleasure.

It’s something I’ve been trying to do for a long time but you’re so busy.

I am. But I’m here. Now. (eye squeeze)

You really are. (Merv’s staring, which is a bit uncomfortable)…What’s it like to be you- so famous, so beautiful, with world leaders seeking your council, your own fashion line, and Richard Branson comping your ride to Mars aboard his personal craft?

It tiring, but the people ‘speak’ and I answer their call.

Where do you think, or should I say ‘how’ do you think you gained such insight into the human condition?

Well, Merv, mine was a childhood surrounded by artists, and corporate raiders. When you throw in a few garage monkeys, and middle class fashion models it was quite a gumbo. Yummy.

Sounds fascinating. And possibly disturbing….

I prefer to call my life ‘interesting’. My experiences were often peppered with small breaks of adult sanity, but usually just a shit storm of crazy. Ya’ know they make umbrellas for that kind of storm. It’s called ‘therapy’! Hahahaaaa…

How did you come about meeting Elvis Presley?

I was driving through Tupelo, Mississippi and stopped for a quick bite at Mickey & Dee’s Quick Cafe. Outside was this young kid playing guitar. He sounded great. I went on and ordered a burger. It took so long that I stepped outside for a cigarette when all of a sudden that guitar playing boy was being chased by a hive of pissed off bees! Well, they went right up his pants and he got to shaking and I thought ‘Now, that’s something I’d like to see more often’, so after he came around I suggested he take his ‘shake’ on the road and do that little shimy. I also, suggested that Dee speed up her delivery and buy Mic out. He was an asshole. Killed two birds with one stone that day!

And when Nixon called?

He thought he’d given Liddy the green light to fix a plumbing problem in a friend’s condo. Dick was always generous that way. The whole situation was a total surprise. He thought all plumber’s wore ski masks and carried lock picks.

And when the Pope called?

I told him I simply could not meet with him until he updated his wardrobe. I’d had enough of ‘can I wear red?’, ‘is the hat too high?’,  and ‘what is winter white?’ My God, the man insisted on gold bling when we all knew that platinum was the new metal. Whatyagonnado?

And your influence on Mic Jaeger?

He made Angelina Jolie’s lips possible

And Global Warming?

I immediately called Al and told him the accurate term was Climate Change, and he knew better, and it was time he got over losing his run for High School Class President.

And the 24-Hour news cycle?

What can I say? I stay up late. Ted obliged.

So it’s true that CNN actually stands for CherylNichollNetwork?

One never knows… 


Yes. Wow.

And McCain’s run for President? You saw that one coming.

John has never been good at interviewing for open middle management positions- or cot position in North Vietnam. I begged him to seek a Vice Presidential running mate from this country. C’est la vie.

And sensible shoes? Your stand?


has never been a word in my vocabulary.

This is how I dress for Jury Selection.
Works every time.

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