The TEN COMMANDMENTS of FASHION

 

Let us begin…

When Moses went to Mount Sinai so God could talk to him, Moses brought back a list of ‘rules’ God thought might help out the crazies.

Seems, the humans were really f*#@king things up on Earth and God was a bit peeved.

Moses, dutifully returned to his fold and began spreading the Word- but did you see his hair?

AWESOME.

Moses went up the mountain with the thinning locks of middle age and returned with a full-blown head of beautifully coifed grey locks (Sorta like going in as your grandpa and leaving as George Clooney –and allow me to take the opportunity, to say, how disappointed I am that George stopped taking my calls and appears to be engaged), but did you know that Moses had some secret stone tablets that he smuggled off the Mount?

That’s right!

And, that they got lost in the desert (as things tend to do) and a couple of his wives tried to keep the instructions going, but since they couldn’t write it was difficult, so they just kept passing down the info to their children verbally and with the occasional hair braid, and the children changed the rules when they got sick of their mother’s yaking at them?

Sound familiar?

Well, I have unearthed the second set of Commandments.

And they are Good.

  1. Thou shalt have no REALLY VOMITOUS OUTFITS, LIKE NBA SNEAKERS with FISHNET STOCKINGS, or SKIN TIGHT SKIN-COLORED LEGGINGS, or JEGGINGS- PERIOD, or NIPPLE PIERCINGS ‘CAUSE THAT’S JUST NO, or MEAT SUITS (I’m looking at you Gaga) before me. It just doesn’t work and I’m wondering what I did wrong.

  2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is KARDASHIAN.

  3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD THY HAIRDRESSER in vain.

  4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it Holy. Six days shalt thy labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is FOR THE MALL.

  5. Honor thy VOGUE MAGAZINE and thy mother. This goes without saying.

  6. Thou shalt not KILL COUTURE.

  7. Thou shalt not commit TO FALSE EYELASHES BEFORE DARK.

  8. Thou shalt not GET NAILS BEJEWELED AT THE SALON.

  9. Thou shalt not BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE WOMAN WHO SHOWED UP AT THE SAME FUNCTION WITH THE SAME GOWN ON. It’s your personal shopper’s fault.

  10. Thou shalt not COVET YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S FABULOUS EYE LIFT, LIPO, AND TUMMY TUCK. (Yea… like that’s a possibility).

 

All wise words for a fashion challenged flock.

 

And ‘challenged’ they are: I just came back from Walmart…

 

God, please help them for they know not what they look like!

 

 

MY BFF AND I GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE. WHAT?PINIMAGE

MY BFF AND I GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE. WHAT?




  • Carrie - I think you pretty much nailed it. I would have been completely satisfied with #1 alone.

    But no. You took it a little farther and a little better.

    It’s the leggings that do me in.

    Giant pet peeve. Giant. They’re NOT pants, girl…NOT PANTS.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - NOT PANTS!!!!! ANd what about people that show up at the grocery store in their pajamas! WTH?ReplyCancel

  • Linda Roy - I just keep thinking “Moses went to Sinai, tablets in hand…and his hair was perfect.” lol And yes – everybody Just Say No to jeggings.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - When I was little I thought Charlton Heston WAS God. As for jeggings- BARF.ReplyCancel

  • Cristina - The seventh day is for the mall! Retail therapy. Better yet, for this introvert, a marathon of backlogged beauty magazine reads. Because that’s the quickest way for me to realize that I’m doing this whole “look” wrong. And by look I mean an Ann Taylor/Target mash up. I never manage to copy the look of those young darlings in Allure.

    Damn.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - You’ve seen those darlings in Allure- they look like self-absorbed eighth graders all with dewy lips giving a ‘come-hither’ look! Who wants that? I’ll take an Ann Taylor/Targetmash up any day! So funny btw!ReplyCancel

  • Carol Cassara - oh yeah on that Kardashian commandment. Oh YEAH.ReplyCancel

  • Ellen Dolgen - You are hiliarous!ReplyCancel

  • Ellen Dolgen - You are hilarious!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Thank you Ellen. And you are a classy wench!ReplyCancel

  • Kathleen O'Donnell - LOVE these! #11 – If your shoes are comfortable you’re wearing the wrong ones.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Excellent addition! If your shoes are comfortable…from the mouths of babes! Loveit. Thank you for making this rant BETTER!ReplyCancel

  • Cary Vaughn - My favorite post of yours so far! HA!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Thanks Cary. What would you add? No wearing of the FUR perhaps?ReplyCancel

  • Carollynn Hammersmith - I love them. ReplyCancel

  • Alyson Shitastrophy Herzig - Really the bling-ing of fingernails is a no-no anywhere … unless you are 8.ReplyCancel

  • Dee - Ok, I see what you’re talking about. THIS is your real WP/Jetpack comments box. The FB comment thread that shows up before this is a Facebook Social app that your developer installed. Are you wanting to kill that? I can show you how, Grasshopper. 🙂ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - No. Let’s not KILL anything- yet.ReplyCancel

  • Dee Burton - This is a test, it is only a test. Now, where is my mimosa?ReplyCancel

  • Sue - No falsies before dark. Thank you for that. I will put myself out there and admit I have not watched a complete Kardashian show. I’ve just seen it in passing or when someone else has it on. The important thing with writing is that I spelled it correctly.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - But after dark- almost anything goes. As for the K’s I have only watched one show (years ago) and am still wondering what they do and WHO THE HELL CARES? And WHY??? Dear God- WHY????ReplyCancel

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