Let us begin…
When Moses went to Mount Sinai so God could talk to him, Moses brought back a list of ‘rules’ God thought might help out the crazies.
Seems, the humans were really f*#@king things up on Earth and God was a bit peeved.
Moses, dutifully returned to his fold and began spreading the Word- but did you see his hair?
Moses went up the mountain with the thinning locks of middle age and returned with a full-blown head of beautifully coifed grey locks (Sorta like going in as your grandpa and leaving as George Clooney –and allow me to take the opportunity, to say, how disappointed I am that George stopped taking my calls and appears to be engaged), but did you know that Moses had some secret stone tablets that he smuggled off the Mount?
And, that they got lost in the desert (as things tend to do) and a couple of his wives tried to keep the instructions going, but since they couldn’t write it was difficult, so they just kept passing down the info to their children verbally and with the occasional hair braid, and the children changed the rules when they got sick of their mother’s yaking at them?
Well, I have unearthed the second set of Commandments.
And they are Good.
Thou shalt have no REALLY VOMITOUS OUTFITS, LIKE NBA SNEAKERS with FISHNET STOCKINGS, or SKIN TIGHT SKIN-COLORED LEGGINGS, or JEGGINGS- PERIOD, or NIPPLE PIERCINGS ‘CAUSE THAT’S JUST NO, or MEAT SUITS (I’m looking at you Gaga) before me. It just doesn’t work and I’m wondering what I did wrong.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is KARDASHIAN.
Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD THY HAIRDRESSER in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it Holy. Six days shalt thy labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is FOR THE MALL.
Honor thy VOGUE MAGAZINE and thy mother. This goes without saying.
Thou shalt not KILL COUTURE.
Thou shalt not commit TO FALSE EYELASHES BEFORE DARK.
Thou shalt not GET NAILS BEJEWELED AT THE SALON.
Thou shalt not BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE WOMAN WHO SHOWED UP AT THE SAME FUNCTION WITH THE SAME GOWN ON. It’s your personal shopper’s fault.
Thou shalt not COVET YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S FABULOUS EYE LIFT, LIPO, AND TUMMY TUCK. (Yea… like that’s a possibility).
All wise words for a fashion challenged flock.
And ‘challenged’ they are: I just came back from Walmart…
God, please help them for they know not what they look like!