10 Ways to Sabotage A Vacation

 

I have been on hundreds millions of vacations.

 

 

Europe, South America, Central America, Islands all over the globe, Canada the Moon, and our own Great Nation have hosted my adventures.

 

I have enjoyed cities, streams, mountains and majesty.

 

I am good at traveling.

 

I choose my clothes to do double duty. They are simple (in classic black/white/grey/brown) and separates that work for day and morph into evening with a touch of jewelry, or a colorful scarf. Shoes are easy- one pair of flats for traveling and city walking (if it’s summer) or Uggs (if it’s not), another pair of flats for either the beach or hiking, and a third for cocktails. Three total.

 

I always pack a water resistant parka, in a go-with-everything khaki color, that has many pockets and cinches at the waist (ala Katherine Hepburn), or wear my opera length faux fur (depending on the season and the agennnnda).

 

A collapsable umbrella is at the ready, as is a cross-body multi-sectioned Coach bag that can secret away all one’s necessities- like money, cell phone, passport, and cigarettes. Seriously- does one need anything else?

 

Reading material, sketch pad/notebook, retractable pens, cosmetics, and medications, are kept in carry-on. I do not travel with my laptop and have yet to purchase a tablet. When I’m ‘out’ I’m ‘OUT’- and I have been: OUT (of my mind it turns OUT).

 

So I was quite confident recently when I threw caution to the wind and waited until the morning of a flight to get-it-all-together.

 

Hahaaaaaaaaaaa I rock I’m a pro I rule I’m the best…………….idiot. (You have to hummmm that for total effect).

 

I forgot  1) CASH,  2) underwear,  3) to call the cat sitter,  4) my boarding passes, and,  5) my cell phone charger.

 

EPIC FAIL

 

This is the #1 way to sabotage your vacation:

ASSUMPTIONS.

 

 

Here are some other gems…

 

  • Don’t assume, just because you’re going to the ‘outback’,  you will be able to rent a car without a reservation. In fact, don’t assume there ARE cars. You may find yourself on the back of a pick-up truck, or a bus, which is the same thing in my mind.

  • Don’t assume that all people that live in the United States are capable of speaking English- even if they think they do. Turns out, purchasing a bag of groceries to accompany your arrival at a private residence, for say, $54.26, becomes…

             ‘Da bood in da bush lookin’ fine tis dayup.

              Dat be fiffor we twa se cen.’

 

             ‘Excuse me?’

 

             ‘Holla sam. U beemers ook shut. U be traaaaaavlin?’

 

             ‘What? Traveling? Yes. Thank you. May I just see the

              receipt?’

 

             ‘Fiffor we twa se cen. Seeeee.’

 

             ‘Here you are. Excuse me. I’m a foreigner.’

 

             ‘I got dat.’

 

             ‘No. Not, not really.’

 

  • Don’t assume that your cell phone provider has a ‘tower’ in the area. Be ready with a fist full of change to make land calls from a pay phone…. wait. There are none.

  • Don’t assume your financial institution isn’t watching you and thinking you are hacking your own account because you are attempting to remove funds from a thus far undiscovered third-world country within the lower Forty-eight. Sometimes calling ahead to notify the bank you will be in Ohio is a good idea. You may have to s-p-e-l-l it.

  • Don’t assume there are gasoline filling stations along your route, or you may be turning into a rock quarry business on route WherethefuckamI (with a private stash of petrol) and a toothless wonder that drives a hard bargain. Thank God Starbucks has a shop on the corner of every American farm field. I now deliver.

  • Don’t assume that just because you are in the bread basket of America, where the fields are overflowing with produce and amber waves of grain, that fresh salads are on anyone’s menu. Or that there’s fresh bread. Or a hand-woven basket- anywhere. Starbucks, yes (see above), Walmart, yes. Dollar Store, yes. Fresh lettuce? Not so much.

  • Don’t assume anything makes sense. Especially traffic lights- in the middle of Nowherewhyisthisevenhere crossroads.

  • Dont assume there isn’t a sheriff deputy waiting for a city chick to move through that Nowherewhyisthisevenhere traffic light after idling for two minutes on the outskirts of bumfuckchina his lovely country town.

  • Don’t assume all sheriff deputies are men.

  • And, do not assume the people you are visiting are going to stop their life to pick you up after your rental car is impounded because you can’t prove you have auto insurance because you didn’t take the time to plan and pack for your trip which included not having your insurance card on your person accompany you as you retrace your youthful steps.

Which is fine, because I had a fine day, all by my lonesome, walking the grounds of those that came before me…

and planned better.

The Hitchcock House Historic Burton Village, OHIO Built 1824PINIMAGE

The Hitchcock House
Historic Burton Village, OHIO
Built 1824

 

Restored 1971PINIMAGE

Restored 1971

 

 

The Ladies Friend A Retail Shop in Historic Burton Village, OHIO Built 1878PINIMAGE

The Ladies Friend
A Retail Shop in Historic Burton Village, OHIO
Built 1878

 

 

Restored in 1968PINIMAGE

Restored in 1968

 

 

 

The Law House Historic Burton Village, OHIO Built 1817PINIMAGE

The Law House
Historic Burton Village, OHIO
Built 1817

 

 

Restored 1961PINIMAGE

Restored 1961

 

 

 

The Auburn Church Historic Burton Village, OHIO Built 1846PINIMAGE

The Auburn Church
Historic Burton Village, OHIO
Built 1846

 

 

Restored 1963PINIMAGE

Restored 1963

 

 

 

The Boughton House Historic Burton Village, OHIO Built 1834PINIMAGE

The Boughton House
Historic Burton Village, OHIO
Built 1834

Restored 1959PINIMAGE

Restored 1959

 

 

 

The Shanower Library Historic Burton Village, OHIO Built 1883PINIMAGE

The Shanower Library
Historic Burton Village, OHIO
Built 1883

 

 

Restored 1986PINIMAGE

Restored 1986




  • Carol Cassara - Do you have any idea what a nightmare this sounds like to overly planned me? LOLReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Yes. I was thinking about you when I wrote it Carol. So unlike me, and NEVER again.ReplyCancel

  • Ellen Dolgen - I was with ya until I got to, “I through caution to the wind…” – that’s when I began twitching. I am a Virgo….ORGANIZE is my middle name. I only travel in a carry-on no matter how long I am gone…but my clothes are all organized and ready for packing at least 2 days ahead. My toiletries all labeled and packed in my see-through baggy….usually replenished after my last trip. My drivers license is out and ready a day ahead with my boarding pass. If we are going out of the country, I have a bag of “In Case” meds. Once I get home…I must unpack and do all of the laundry before I go to bed….So, I could never throw caution to the wind and wing it. Good for you for trying! Maybe someday I shall throw caution to the wind and try it myself. My husband would probably faint!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I also am not a ‘caution to the wind’ kinda gal. This was a first. Unless you count how I raised my kids. THAT was a crap shoot. Thanks for stopping by Ellen. I’d rather travel with you. XXOOReplyCancel

  • Beverly Diehl - Oh, jeez, that was hilarious. Loved taking that trip with you – from afar.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I’m sure if you had been with me, I would have had a MUCH better time! ps: I found your comment in my Spam file! How many times have you heard that?! Hahaaaaa Hopefully now that I’ve ‘approved’ it- that won’t happen again!ReplyCancel

  • Dave Sumner - You are so right! I wish my damn bank would stop persecuting me for traveling in my own country by constantly jamming my ATM card when I am out of town! I refuse to call them every time I get on a plane in the 21st Century when we are free to fly practically anywhere on a moment’s notice. I suppose that if I continue to be stubborn and refuse they will just continue to be stubborn and not let me have any money! They did it to me the other day in California, and once they turned off all my debit and credit cards on a long “bank holiday” weekend (3 days) when I was in a small town in rural Wales. Thank goodness the Welsh are nice folks, or I would likely still be there, probably living in a park by now:)ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I don’t know…. being stuck in Wales sounds pretty fabu to me! And I know- it’s irritating but once they DID stop a hacker get into my accounts, so I’m okay with it, it’s just that I was in the USA!!! And they must have an amalgam that realizes I travel a lot. Seriously, once I went to a new grocery store and I had to call!!! Uuugh!!!! Thanks for stopping by Dave. It’s great to have a new commenter!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Roshni - I totally get it because I just spent the major part of last week without any wi-fi or cell tower signals (at the Redwoods)and had my nerves shot looking for a Starbucks!!
    Oh, and I forgot to pack my toothbrush!!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - OMG- I forgot to mention the toothbrush issue!!! Me too!!!!!!! I swear, if I think about it I left out a lot of stuff. Probably because I didn’t want to embarrass myself any more then necessary!ReplyCancel

  • Cary Vaughn - Did anyone tell you, “You have a purdy mouth”?ReplyCancel

  • Alexandra Williams - The houses look beautiful. The rest of it does’t sound so great. ReplyCancel

  • Alyson Shitastrophy Herzig - I love you, that is all. ReplyCancel

  • KymberlyFunFit - great sequence of pics before and after restoration. All taken with no undies. Ha ha aha hahReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - All commando because really, is there any other way?ReplyCancel

  • Carollynn Hammersmith - OMG, too funny. Good to know I’m not the only one who ASSUMES I have it all together just because I’ve done something a million times before. Hope this trip was fun, the pictures are wonderful.ReplyCancel

  • Liv BySurprise - What fun! At least by travelling that way you have a great story to tell!ReplyCancel

  • Lana - So funny! None of these things will ever happen to me because I’m way too anal about everything (note my name is anal spelled backwards). I would love to be more spontaneous and have some of your adventures!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I never thought these ‘things’ would happen to me either. ANd yet, the story of life keeps unfolding. Thank God for Starbucks!ReplyCancel

  • Mari Collier - I loved those photos of the old/new. Is that southern Ohio by any chance. The daughter had her credit card cancelled once because the bank was being “cautious.” Sounds like a normal trip.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - No- it’s NE OHIO. The Connecticut Western Reserve. After the Revolution, Connecticut couldn’t afford to pay their veterans so they offered them land in they owned. This region was settled by Connecticut citizens. Very nice!ReplyCancel

  • Mindy Klapper Trotta - You are so funny! I love the old/new pics. Say what you will about you–you do have an eye for beauty!ReplyCancel

  • William Kendall - So was it a good vacation or a bad vacation?ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Hahahaaaaa. Good & challenging! But I survived!!!ReplyCancel

  • Connie McLeod - Cheryl, as long as you get a good story to tell, the adventure is worth it!!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Sometimes I wonder? Hahahaaaa….ReplyCancel

  • Susan - ofeverymoment - I’m much too familiar with what you have written here. But deciding which shoes to pack is a huge issue for me – and I often bring more than three!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - It can be painful- like ripping off a bandage, but well worth the trauma- then, kinda liberating with so few choices Susan. Why are we soooo attached to our shoes, I wonder? I think I smell another blog post! HahaaaaaReplyCancel

  • Gary Sidley - Wise advice. I too have fallen victim to the ‘not informing your bank before traveling’ – not great when your Visa card is cancelled while you are in foreign lands. Also, I’ve always feared a lady with an agennnnda!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Hahaaaaa. My agennnndas have been to smooze a room, or acquire corporate secrets- or find an open bar! Occasionally to kick some ass. All normal stuff.ReplyCancel

  • Kim - LOL. You are too damn funny. And all for a trip to BFE…er, Ohio.

    I usually get everything together the night before we leave for a road trip. And although it’s only the two us, we pack our car like we’ll be gone for a fricken month. Camera bags? Check. Laptop bags? Check. Travel bags with clothes? Check. Tote bags with non-perishable snacks? Check. Anything else? The kitchen sink, perhaps. Haha. We’re a bit nuts but we still have a good time…most of the time. 🙂ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Thanks Kim! I’ve always been very organized- still am. It was just something about this trip that tripped-me-up. And Boy did I pay for it! I often travel alone- without the hubby. Maybe once a year we are together on a trip. Why? I don’t have a God Damn clue. I guess he’s busy. (SOMEONE NEEDS TO WORK!). Hahaaa But I remember the days….ReplyCancel

  • Sue - Just wow, all this for just traveling to Ohio. I will have to remember your checklist remembered and not remembered next time I travel within the heartland. As always, this was the most fun to read all week.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Thank you Dear Sue. This was a OHIO trip, but it could have been ANYWHERE. Next week I’m off to the Upper PENN of Michigan. Wish me luck.ReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - Wow! This sounds nightmarish. I wish I could say it didn’t make me laugh. I have to find humor in someone else’s bad traveling experiences having just returned from my own.
    But those photos! Love them! I am such a sucker for anything historic. Those were a treat!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Thank you Sandy! The Historic Town made it all worth while- even with my car impounded and a lawyer hired. Classic- would be what my husband said- but the bill got paid!ReplyCancel

  • Terrye - LMAO!!! I can’t go across town without packing a ‘day bag.’ If we leave town, I have the ‘night bag.’ And vacation? I pack 2 weeks in advance. I’m OCD and ADD. That bag gets packed and repacked more times than a dog sniffs a tree before taking a piss. 😉 Good to have you back!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - So funny! I know- I’m usually like you- but not this time and I learned my lesson. It’s nice to BE back!ReplyCancel

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