I have been on
hundreds millions of vacations.
Europe, South America, Central America, Islands all over the globe,
Canada the Moon, and our own Great Nation have hosted my adventures.
I have enjoyed cities, streams, mountains and majesty.
I am good at traveling.
I choose my clothes to do double duty. They are simple (in classic black/white/grey/brown) and separates that work for day and morph into evening with a touch of jewelry, or a colorful scarf. Shoes are easy- one pair of flats for traveling and city walking (if it’s summer) or Uggs (if it’s not), another pair of flats for either the beach or hiking, and a third for cocktails. Three total.
I always pack a water resistant parka, in a go-with-everything khaki color, that has many pockets and cinches at the waist (ala Katherine Hepburn), or wear my opera length faux fur (depending on the season and the agennnnda).
A collapsable umbrella is at the ready, as is a cross-body multi-sectioned Coach bag that can secret away all one’s necessities- like money, cell phone, passport, and cigarettes. Seriously- does one need anything else?
Reading material, sketch pad/notebook, retractable pens, cosmetics, and medications, are kept in carry-on. I do not travel with my laptop and have yet to purchase a tablet. When I’m ‘out’ I’m ‘OUT’- and I have been: OUT (of my mind it turns OUT).
So I was quite confident recently when I threw caution to the wind and waited until the morning of a flight to get-it-all-together.
Hahaaaaaaaaaaa I rock I’m a pro I rule I’m the best…………….idiot. (You have to hummmm that for total effect).
I forgot 1) CASH, 2) underwear, 3) to call the cat sitter, 4) my boarding passes, and, 5) my cell phone charger.
This is the #1 way to sabotage your vacation:
Here are some other gems…
Don’t assume, just because you’re going to the ‘outback’, you will be able to rent a car without a reservation. In fact, don’t assume there ARE cars. You may find yourself on the back of a pick-up truck, or a bus, which is the same thing in my mind.
Don’t assume that all people that live in the United States are capable of speaking English- even if they think they do. Turns out, purchasing a bag of groceries to accompany your arrival at a private residence, for say, $54.26, becomes…
‘Da bood in da bush lookin’ fine tis dayup.
Dat be fiffor we twa se cen.’
‘Holla sam. U beemers ook shut. U be traaaaaavlin?’
‘What? Traveling? Yes. Thank you. May I just see the
‘Fiffor we twa se cen. Seeeee.’
‘Here you are. Excuse me. I’m a foreigner.’
‘I got dat.’
‘No. Not, not really.’
Don’t assume that your cell phone provider has a ‘tower’ in the area. Be ready with a fist full of change to make land calls from a pay phone…. wait. There are none.
Don’t assume your financial institution isn’t watching you and thinking you are hacking your own account because you are attempting to remove funds from a thus far undiscovered third-world country within the lower Forty-eight. Sometimes calling ahead to notify the bank you will be in Ohio is a good idea. You may have to s-p-e-l-l it.
Don’t assume there are gasoline filling stations along your route, or you may be turning into a rock quarry business on route WherethefuckamI (with a private stash of petrol) and a toothless wonder that drives a hard bargain. Thank God Starbucks has a shop on the corner of every American farm field. I now deliver.
Don’t assume that just because you are in the bread basket of America, where the fields are overflowing with produce and amber waves of grain, that fresh salads are on anyone’s menu. Or that there’s fresh bread. Or a hand-woven basket- anywhere. Starbucks, yes (see above), Walmart, yes. Dollar Store, yes. Fresh lettuce? Not so much.
Don’t assume anything makes sense. Especially traffic lights- in the middle of Nowherewhyisthisevenhere crossroads.
Dont assume there isn’t a sheriff deputy waiting for a city chick to move through that Nowherewhyisthisevenhere traffic light after idling for two minutes on the outskirts of
bumfuckchinahis lovely country town.
Don’t assume all sheriff deputies are men.
And, do not assume the people you are visiting are going to stop their life to
pick you up after your rental car is impounded because you can’t prove you have auto insurance because you didn’t take the time to plan and pack for your trip which included not having your insurance card on your personaccompany you as you retrace your youthful steps.
Which is fine, because I had a fine day, all by my lonesome, walking the grounds of those that came before me…
and planned better.