10 Tips For Choosing An Adult Halloween Costume

 

 

Yes, it’s THAT time of year again: The Season of the Witch, All Hallow’s Eve, Trick or Treat, the Night of Mischief and, most definitely (my eyes are bleeding), really age-inappropriate costumes.

 

You know it’s true. You’ve worn them.

Every damn year you consider if you can pull-off that Wonder Woman costume just one more time. Or God forbid, you’re married to someone who insists on exercising his inner cowboy, complete with chew and spurs, except his belly is rolling over the belt buckle and he wants you to dress as Pocahontas but with a push-up bra and fish-net stockings.

No.

So, in the hopes that you will have the foresight and good taste to not embarrass your family any more than you normally do, let me suggest a few guidelines for choosing that one perfect costume that represents your inner ‘freak’.

 

  1. Wear comfortable shoes. I know this sounds dull, but unless your going to sit in a chair all night and swing your delicate ankles to and fro, or you’re looking to get laid and insist on the ‘fuck-me’ stiletto-on-high, wear something on the dogs that can carry you without real blood seeping from the toes, or the inevitable ‘trip’ as you make your entrance, which just defeats the whole purpose don’t ya think?

  2. Wear undergarments…. under. That’s where they’re meant to be. You are NOT Madonna. SHE isn’t even Madonna anymore.

  3. Practice wearing your costume. Trust me. Reach for something. Bend down. Sit. Walk up stairs. Sip a drink. Eat from a fork. Get it properly fastened for God’s sake. I’ve seen all of these simple tasks in EPIC FAILURE mode. Sorta like; rip, shred, oops, aaaahhhh, gurglegurgle, shit, I’ve broken something…. kind of failures. They are amusing, I’ll give you that, but I doubt you want to be on the receiving end of everyone else’s ‘Night To Remember’… or maybe you do?

  4. Garter Belts. All I can say is that if you are of a ‘certain’ age, and you actually REMEMBER garter belts, and trying to keep your skirt down all day long as you navigated your way to the girls room for a change of you-know-what, they just look trashy. They really do. Would you want a male to wear a jock strap where the sun CAN shine? I thought so.

  5. If your costume is accompanied with accoutrement ( think: whip, parrot, roller skates, a pyramid) make sure you know how to use them, drink with them, fit in a cab, or through the door- which is probably where you’re going to be directed if you take up too much space, or catch on fire. How did Cleopatra do it, I’ve always wondered?

  6. Consider the weather. Hot. Humid. Cool. Windy. Nothing is more uncomfortable than pitting-out your Marie Antoinette gown, feeling your face melt off, not being able to fully share your I Dream Of Jeannie muffin-top under a coat, or having the torch on your Statue Of Liberty get-up bent over in surrender at a $100 per plate Republican fund-raiser fancy Halloween party (just sayin’). It might even get you on the no-fly list.

  7.  False is Fine. Eyelashes, boobs, butterfly wings, wigs, blood, pretending your actually enjoying yourself. It’s one night for God’s sake. You can fake anything, am I right?

  8. I have a sort of litmus test I put some decisions through: What would a 60 year old Sophia Loren do? She was beautiful. She aged well. She had class. She had a long-term successful marriage and two awesome children. I was not, nor have ever been, a Sophia Loren, but would I wear a French Maid’s costume? Sophia says ‘No’. I agree with Sophia.

  9. I’m all about pushing ‘limits’. Yes. Push them. But don’t loose sight of the long-term repercussions. We are all grown woman for the love of God, And you know what a PUSH means.  Be an ADULT. An ADULT.

  10. And unless you look like Heidi Klum (after several children- God how I hate her) then stay away from the pussy.

heidi1PINIMAGE

 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!




  • Karen D. Austin - I don’t think I’m dressing up this year. Nothing can top the year I went as Tammy Faye Baker and won scariest costume (a couple of decades ago). The similarity was eerie. But now she’s not relevant, so it would just be sad and pathetic if I dressed up like her again. I peaked very early in my Halloween brilliance.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - hahaaaaaa. You peaked early did you? I think we all did. So funny.ReplyCancel

  • Lisha Fink - For the last three or four years I’ve been a ghost. Pull out a white skirt and tank top (New Orleans is hot in October, yo), wrap a $4 packet of cheesecloth around my head and smear the day’s mascara under my eyes. I’m sticking with what works.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Brilliant! Especially the smearing of the mascara. I’m thinking maybe no shower or hair wash or leg shave for the week and then go out as a homeless person, though here, sadly, that would not be unusual. Thanks for stopping by Lisha. Always LOVE your comments.ReplyCancel

  • Carol Cassara - I am so hoping my days of choosing a costume are over!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I thought mine were too until earlier this week when I got an invitation to Anne Rice’s Vampire Ball!!! OMG! This should be good. I’m going as a Victorian lady vampire in drag. Pic’s to follow.ReplyCancel

  • Ruth Curran - Oh my…who would have thought of “practice wearing your costume”… Only you :)! Too, too funny!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I’m serious!ReplyCancel

      • carollyn - Oh hell yes, dress rehearsals are a MUST. Last year I did my dress rehearsal the day before I left for an out of town halloween event, and well, I’d gained a few pounds in the wrong places and ended up with a recycled costume instead.ReplyCancel

  • Diane - Priceless advice! Priceless! Timely. And definitely needed! 🙂 Sooo . . . no to the garter belt? Whew!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - No garter belt. And NO boobs falling all over over the place Diane. I’m warning you- keep the girls under wraps this year okay?ReplyCancel

  • Roshni - I’m just going with a basic mask and calling it good!! My kids are the ones who are going all out…with blood and gore, that is!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Of course they are, as they should. I’m all for the basic mask. In my case I will be a witch- not a stretch.ReplyCancel

  • Lisa Carpenter - Hahaha. I had never ever considered visible jock straps. Yep, you sure put that in perspective. Thanks for the chuckle.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Gros. Just GROS. And I’ve seen them. I. Am. Not. KIDDING.ReplyCancel

  • Kathleen O'Donnell - Maybe we should just hand out candy at our front door!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Sounds great, however, I’m going to a costume party… as a drag queen.ReplyCancel

  • Vashti Q - Ah, ha,ha,ha! You’re always hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. 😀ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Thank you! You’re a doll. Hey! Maybe an outfit?ReplyCancel

  • Rosalind Warren - “Stay away from the pussy” has a couple of possible interpretations. But I’m pretty sure I know which one you mean. 🙂 ReplyCancel

  • William Kendall - The last time I was in a costume was for a party as an adult. I was wearing a Civil War Union officer’s uniform.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I can see that. Very appropriate. Which side?ReplyCancel

  • Lois Alter Mark - I think it may be time to give Halloween back to the little kids.ReplyCancel

  • Helene Cohen Bludman - So funny! Yes, I will be sure to use my whip properly when I go out trick or treating!ReplyCancel

  • Cathy Chester - You are so funny. That is the best! Ha! I think I’ll play a Curmudgeon this Halloween. Yup. That’s what I’ll be. ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - You play a ‘curmudgeon’???? That WOULD be a costume!ReplyCancel

  • Mari Collier - Funny. The only time I wore Halloween costumes was at Nintendo. I even went as Cruella one time. Appropriate wig, of course. Hey, if Lanny were alive the western wear wouldn’t be a costume. It was what he wore all his life. ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Authentic is great! It’s the pretenders that get my head shaking, and I’m SURE Lanny WAS NO pretender- or you.ReplyCancel

  • Tammy - Damn it, woman. You take ALL the fun out of Halloween. Cleavage that is so big it catches fire by the end of a cigarette, dresses that hike up so high you can see Kansas, men wearing speedos feeling all comfy and to the left. What is left for those of us who sit on a bench with an ice-cream cone to critique (criticize) those who clearly have no mirrors in their homes? Bah! Your common sense be damned! Let the weirdness begin! By the way…one year I was a Drag Queen …. and nobody knew. What does that say about me?!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - It says you’re versatile! Let your FREAK FLAG FLY!!!ReplyCancel

  • Sharon Greenthal - I am not a fan of Halloween or dressing up in costumes, and you are pretty funny! What the heck is with Heidi Klum, anyway – she’s so incredibly beautiful.ReplyCancel

  • Carollynn Hammersmith - Shall I assume that you saw a whole lot of interesting stuff at the ball Friday night? Saturday night’s event was quite fabulous. ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - I’m so glad! My attendance was waylaid by other circumstances. I’ll PM you.ReplyCancel

  • Linda Roy - Damn! If I had a body like that, I’d be sportin’ the furry body suit too. Heidi’s such a show off. Yeah, last year I went as Tom Petty. The St. Pauli girl costume is not happenin’ for me, much to my hubby’s dismay.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Hahahaaaaaa. The St Pauli girl is a real boob buster. She would be on my no-no list. Enough with women and the boobs!ReplyCancel

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