Real Life can be just so… in your face… that I want to slap the bitch.
“Stand down you hellish beast”, I call from the high air of my parapet walk.
“Do not venture forth or I will send my slayers to the field of battle to slay your slayers”. (I’m a poet Queen).
At this point I am opening my ermine cape so that it catches the wind and rises high around me so as to create a dramatic moment. I am also hoping that it doesn’t come down around my face because that would just look stupid.
Thank God. It’s working. The breeze is in my favor this morn.
“Hedrick! Gather my men! Arm them with sharp knives and hot coal. Place on their heads the Tall Hat and wrap their bodies with linen of olde. What? I don’t want to hear a God damn thing about the laundress and the futility of next day service. Get it done man!”
“Genevieve! For the love of God, where is that wench? Shit! You fool. Don’t startle me like that! Gather ye court and take shelter in the Royal Cellars and do not, I repeat DO NOT let me hear a cork vent a barrelet- until I alight, of course”.
“Jester! You fool! This is no time for levity! Go seek the fishmonger and the butcher and the pastry maker. Have them stock my pantries with their wares. Tell them they will be highly compensated, that my advisers will dine at sunset, and that my subjects can eat cake. Not one word about my sorry ass cousin-Queen of France. Cake means ‘leftovers”. (Jesus, does no one research historical fact anymore?)
“Bidwell! Accompany me from the turret to the yawn across the palisade. Have the footmen barricade the drawbridge and draw the footbridge. Yes, we do have many bridges, you sot… Forget it. I’ll do it myself.” (Jesus, it’s hard to get good help these days).
“Valet! Take my steads and render them with caution. I will expect no damage and all my finery still present upon my return”.
My skirts sound so good. I really must remember to thank my dressmaker after the battle.
Welcome Your Majesty. It is our pleasure.
“Of course it is. And have me not disturbed until the battle is won…
“Or they get hungry”.