There comes a time in every life when cold steely eyes, at the end of a tunnel you never thought you’d have to walk through, are winking at you, and you’re speechless- unless you’re like me, then you write a blog post, because you can, because you need to.
I mentioned, only briefly, and without fanfare, that I would be MIA for awhile.
I am back- at least temporarily.
My mother has experienced a medical emergency, one that was not unexpected, and yet, it always is- unexpected, and as I sat with her and looked deeply into her big brown eyes, I saw what she was seeing- those damn winking Reaper slits, taunting her to come hither, to give-up, to enter the darkness, and I begged her to turn around, to slap that bitch in the face, to muster her natural born stubborn soul and fight back, because we still desire her company, and her wisdom, and there are new babies still to come, and who will I complain to when the world pisses me off and I need her to tell me to ‘take a deep breath’ and ‘it will all work out’.
But, there she lays, frightened and confused, unable to control her environment, her body, unable to string more then a few words together in a whisper, unable to be young again.
However, she has strong moments, I’m told.
I’m ‘told’ because I’m not there. I’m the daughter whose life has abandoned her mother to distance and marital obligations, living far far away and only able to participate through technology.
I fear that this will be my legacy to her; the daughter who wasn’t there, and I’ll have live with that because she won’t be there to tell me ‘it will all work out’, but I know in my heart, a heart that she seeded with love and watered with reason and cultivated when I was too stupid to see the weeds for myself, that she loves me still. That she loves me always.
Without the roadmap of her lifetime of challenges, through the thick and thin of disappointing marriages, the loss of her one true love, the true grit of working every damn day of her life- she remained a steady float in a rocky sea.
The term ‘Roll Model’ doesn’t even begin to define her.
And so it is that I find myself considering the journey of Life, the passing of time…
and the solitary ache of inconvenient truths.
You gave me the keys to the Kingdom my Queen.
Thank you- forever.