My Twelve Days of Christmas
In the tradition of the season, I would like to present my version of the English Christmas Carol
The Twelve Days of Christmas.
*So as to not make you egg nog crazy, I will start at the finale. And don’t forget to hum the song as you read, with emphasis on the bold text.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…12 thousand dollars. For a full facelift.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 11 chairs-a-Piping. Please don’t lose my fabric.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 10 Lords-a-Leaping. LOVE the personal shopper.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 9 Ladies Dancing. Husbands are at home.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 8 Maids-a-Milking…. I’ve got nothin’ people.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 7 Swans-a-Swimming. One of them is me. (Delusion is another gift, sadly omitted from the original version).
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 6 Geese-a-Laying. Childbirth‘s a blast.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 5 Golden Rings (da da da), which is so yesterday. Platinum is the new black, and diamonds would be appreciated. Get on it.
4 Colly Birds. Colly birds? I always thought this was ‘calling‘ birds. It should be calling birds. What the hell is a Colly bird anyways? googlegooglegoogle It’s a blackbird. They are loud! Okay. I guess it’s alright. Proceed.
3 French Hens. Or three french men.
2 Turtle Doves. Bringing two Dove Bars.
AND A …
Partridge In A Money Tree.
(Come on. You know you want one).
|Or a Xmas tree, with really pretty decorations- like this frosted
fir which better have lots of coins attached to it Santa.
|And this peaceful church, where I go to repent- often.
|And these glass mushrooms- which look oddly familiar.
|And lastly, but not leastly, the charming snowmen. And they’re all men because no woman
would venture out into the cold without a decent fur coat.
(I mean Snowmen)