10 Things I Need To Learn To Do Before the Apocaplyse

The first thing we all have to agree on is that if there ever is an event on an awesome catastrophic scale, those that survive will need to be heavily armed and know how to distill whiskey.

 

 Every time my husband discovers me setting up odd equipment involving rubber tubing & smoked Spanish paprika or doing something behind a closed door (‘Cheryl. What are you up too now? This better not cost me any money!”) I simply answer with “Someone’s gonna need to know how to do this in case the World comes to end! Well-oiled flints and a decent sourdough starter will be what keeps us alive!”, by which he replies, “Oh boy. How did the children survive?…” and continues watching ESPN.

So, because I’m nothing if not cynical cautious  a Girl Scout, I would like to share with you the skills I believe are always going to make the difference between life (albeit with 12 toes from radioactive fallout, but I’ve always felt an extra two would be superb for my Yoga practice ’cause I sure as hell can’t do it on ten) and being vaporized.

I will need to know how to:

  1. Pick locks. And by ‘locks’ I mean choosing the best clip-on hair extensions at Ms Boobalicious’s salon down the street. I can’t afford them at this time. I am counting on supply and demand to kick-in.

  2. Tan—- leather. I’ll still desire a new Spring handbag each season (What? Should I stop ‘living’?) and I’m assuming I’ll be fried enough from the fallout to make it through a nuclear winter so spending time in a tanning bed would be silly- and I hear they’re not good for you- so there’s that.

  3. Produce copious amounts of tomatoes and pot. Together. A hybrid. I will call them Really Better Big Boys or maybe Aunt Cheryl’s Caprese Grass Salad fixin’s? Yes- with a nice balsamic drizzle.

  4. Hot wire a car. This will be the perfect opportunity to economically expand my expensive automobile collection and drive as fast as I want. All ‘photo enforced’ speed traps will be snapping away at my middle finger.

  5. Syphon gas… and Vodka.

  6. Generate power. No- not the kind that runs your appliances. Amateurs

  7. Catch, reel-in, decapitate, gut, fillet and grill a Zombie fish. Or a Zombie.

  8. Diagnose and treat improperly accessorized mean girl’s evening ensembles medical issues.

  9. Develop black market items into the NEW economy. This will require anyone left in Washington DC to be summarily exiled and replaced by people that actually understand what’s going on. I’ve always liked a white house.

  10. And finally… Grow grapes. Not really ‘grow’ as much as cultivate and harvest. Well, really, not ‘harvest, so much as ferment. Oh hell, who am I kidding?

 

 

I’ll need to know how to make wine.

 

Bottoms UP!PINIMAGE

Bottoms UP!

 

What would YOU need to learn?




  • Diane - When the time comes, I’m living next to you. Provided you don’t mistake me for a Zombie. (It has happened . . .)ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - You are so funny! We’d make great neighbors!!!ReplyCancel

  • Cary Vaughn - First of all, I laughed my ass off at #6.
    Second, I think I’m in serious trouble if I, too, want to maintain my lifestyle after the apocalypse. I better get to work!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Ha! Lets’ make a pact to meet half way up the Big Muddy and pool our resources!ReplyCancel

  • Abby - Absoluetly loved it! It seems there are more midlife crisis nuts than just me:))) And isn’t it funny that we got the same idea: airpocalypse/apocalypse at the same time?! I will definitely check your stuff from time to time:)
    AbbyReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Well HELLO there! Wonderful!!!! Me too` Luv your shizzz….ReplyCancel

  • Laraine Orfanedes Durham - Wine, for sure!ReplyCancel

  • Sue Pekarek - Daughter says I need to watch Survivor Man so I have mad skills when the world comes to an end, so knowing what nuclear bugs to eat and not eat seems important. Tom Hanks inability to start a fire in Castaway makes me want to take how to start a fire from scratch lessons, and in the after world I’ll promote my big yard to rent out space for people to grow their own food including grapes of course.ReplyCancel

  • Kathy Radigan - Very cute! And I got agree with you, I better start going to lock picking school now!ReplyCancel

  • Kathleen O'Donnell - I’d need to learn to…be in your group Cheryl Nicholl!ReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Grandmas Briefs - Ewww… dont grill the zombies! They’re tainted! ( Don’t you watch The Walking Dead!?) I’ll join ya for the hybrid tomato pot though. Or the wine! Cheers!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Hahahaaaaa….. I’m thinking that Zombie meat might be the new Kale. You can talk people into anything if you just say it’s ‘good for you’.ReplyCancel

  • William Kendall - Well, I wouldn’t have much need of fermenting grapes….ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - But you will need petrol to tool around taking all of your fabulous photographs, so I just thought of another thing: syphoning gas. I’ll ride shot-gun and drink the wine. We’d have a good time!ReplyCancel

  • Lance - 4 & 7 I have down…we need some community college classes for the other ones.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Excellent! I’m actually learning about the fish gutting from a friend of mine. He said “Cheryl, why do you want to learn to do this? You live right by Big Fisherman” (a local fishmonger) and I told him “so that I know how to gut Ben.”- THEN he understood.ReplyCancel

  • Carol Cassara - I’m comin’ over to your pad when it hits. Just sayin’. I want to go laughing!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Me too Carol. I’ll have a room ready for you! HAHAHAReplyCancel

  • Cathy Chester - I would love to climb inside of your brain someday to find out exactly how you think. Such a creative mind! I wonder if you dream in color, too! 🙂 As for the whiskey? Not my drink of choice, so I’ll have to find a runner up. Any suggestions, Cheryl?ReplyCancel

  • Ruth Curran - I read this twice. Once using just the crossed out words and once using both! In case you were wondering, the emphasis on skinning zombies, distilling spirits, and fermenting grapes remains strong in both versions :)!ReplyCancel

  • Mari Collier - Funny, you left out making beer. Of course, you would need to grow barley and hops for that and the ground might to too radioactive. Picking real locks is good or smashing windows. Who am I kidding? At my age the young ones would grab anything I had unless I somehow acquire sufficient fire power. Something I don’t see happening.ReplyCancel

  • Sharon Hodor Greenthal - How to grow and cultivate coffee and milk a cow, because without my coffee with half and half every day I’m vicious.ReplyCancel

  • Mary La Fornara Gutierrez - Thank you for making me smile! It has been a crazy long day and it was nice just to read your post and giggle a little bit!ReplyCancel

  • Lois Alter Mark - Wow, I have a lot to learn! I’m sticking with you if the apocalypse is on the way!ReplyCancel

  • Tammy - My gramps would always tell me that the best weapon to have was a shotgun. Because everyone in the world recognizes the sound of the rifle being readied and they run for the hills. So, yes…a shotgun. So we can consume mass libation and truffles in peace and quiet. Awesome fun!ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - chink- chink I love that sound! We’ll be ready!ReplyCancel

  • Penelope Shelfer - I have the arsenal, and a few other goodies on hand. You and I must join forces and create a procedure for survival.ReplyCancel

  • Suheiry Feliciano - My husband and I talk about what we’d do in case of the apocalypse. It’s quite fun. You made us both laugh with your post. 🙂ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - So nice! Another subject Ben and I like to discuss is what we’d do if we hit the Lotto! Now THAT’S fun! Thanks for stopping by!ReplyCancel

  • Mark R Hunter - Honestly? I’d just die.ReplyCancel

  • Linda Roy - I would immediately jump on the back of Daryl Dixon’s bad ass bike and ride off into the zombie riddled sunset.ReplyCancel

    • Cheryl - Of course you would. I’d be the one trying to organize a new spring fashion show. Someone’s got to keep up appearances!ReplyCancel

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