To My Darling Husband,
I love you so.
You are my Center.
You are my Universe.
You are the moon and the… oh, who the hell am I kidding?…
My husband is an interesting character (and by ‘interesting’ I mean slightly eccentric and by ‘eccentric’ I mean sorta weird and by ‘weird’ I mean Holy Hell what will really old age bring me or should I just move into our loge at the Superdome now?).
No. No. No. He’s actually very kind and funny and smart… but…
Some people might call it Quirky.
I prefer to take every opportunity I can, to go to the most extreme point of view on any subject and put a LABEL on it.
I’m a giver.
The Daytime Door Lock Maneuver
“Cheryl! I’ve locked myself out again. Open the door”.
“I can’t seeee youuuu”.
My darling husband locks doors- habitually. When we are home. He often locks himself out. I think that’s where he should stay until he learns to not turn that God damn knob. I often wave at him through the glass as I’m changing the channel from ESPN to HGTV.
The Land Shoe-Mine Maneuver
Whistling While I Work. da-da-da-dadadada. “Aaughhhhh” tumbletumbletumble
“What are these fucking shoes doing here? Ben!”
“I thought you’d see them.”
“They were on the stairs!”
“I put them there so that I could remember to take them downstairs.”
“You’re the one that just used their body like a weapon.”
My darling husband wears different shoes for different times of the day- and I’m not talking slippers-in-the-evening kind of making sense. Oh nooo, there is a pair for waking up, a pair for work, a pair for returning home, a pair for the front porch, a pair for the garden, a pair for fishing, a pair for shooting, a pair for… When I
yell at ask him if he thinks maybe he could keep it to minimum of like, two pairs a day, or at least pick them up so that they don’t require their own golf cart to return them to the closet, he stars at me with blank eyes ’cause I’m the crazy one. *head shaking*
The Must Use Space that is Presently Occupied Maneuver
“What’s for dinner?”
“Sounds delicious. I think I’ll make my martini right on top of it.”
My darling husband insists on making his evening cocktail right in the middle of whatever space I am already occupying. Yes- we have a bar. No- this does not seem to matter. Yes- I had this ‘bar’ built just for him. No- he doesn’t care.
The Herding Cats Maneuver
“Cheryl, have you seen the cats today?”
“Where are they now?”
“Don’t have a clue.”
“Could you call them? They won’t come for me.”
“No. I could not. I’m busy, as you can see.”
“pegggyyy. See. They won’t come.”
“You had your hand over your mouth.”
My darling husband consistently tries to control the cats- they should be in- they need to go out- have they been fed?- do they need a snack?- when was the last time they got their flea dose?- Peggy needs to be groomed- why aren’t they on the bed?- find one to put on the bed- get them off the bed- which is another way to say he is trying to herd… cats. Or is it me?
The Machismo Phone Call Maneuver
“Hey. It’s me. Do me a favor. Go upstairs and pull the XGF7964cbt file from 1985, under Shit I Might Need But Never Will… I know. We all have one, am I right boys?…It’s in my important ‘Stuff’ box… Yea. I got her on the phone… that I haven’t gone into in thirty years but I KNOW you’ve saved, and fax me two copies, … Oh Yea. She’s ‘IN”…then another to this guy I’ll give you the number to, then call Joe Blow … Sam says you’re the best. YOU’RE the best Sam! What a character…and tell him you’re a ‘likely party’ and pretend to be offended. Yea- I’ll take mine with just a touch of vinaigrette…A bunch of us are just sitting around and we’re screwin’ with custome…”
These people are running our country.
The Feigning Interest Maneuver, Part I
“How are ya? Whatcha do today?”
“Wait a sec. I’ve gotta take this.”
Women? Phones? I think not.
The Feigning Interest Maneuver, Part II
“So, whatcha doin’ there?”
“I”m attempting to….
“Oops. The games back on.”
Death ray’s would not be painful enough.
The Odd Priority Maneuver
“There’s a storm coming. We’re being crushed here. How’s everything your way?”
“Better batten down the hatches. I can’t get home but I don’t want my new grill crushed by a falling palm, ’cause I asked you last week to get the tree guys out there, and I see THAT hasn’t happened.”
“In the Big Picture…”
“Don’t pay any attention to the weather. It’s just going to be a sprinkle. Skip right over.”
“We’re getting the shit kicked out of us!”
“Get the cats in and you’ll be fine.”
“Do you know the term ‘Big Picture’?…”
The Helpless Maneuver
“I just can’t find/clean/decide/cook/attempt/finish/find that THING that is soooo important to
me us. You’re so good at it. Will you do it?”
“That’s a problem.”
“I’m good at everything…”
… and the World continues to tip.