I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!
Ready to blow your brains out?
So, aside from the absolute certainty that stepping out into the cold wind of consumerism within a contained four walls and a food court is a death wish that will only be forgotten by copious amounts of alcohol upon your return home, let’s SHOP.
But remember a few tips along the way:
Brace your loins: And by ‘loins’ I mean feet, and by ‘brace’ I mean comfortable shoes. Your actual ‘loins’ are safe. I think.
Just like Santa checks his list twice- check your purse. Make sure you have your asthma medication for traversing through the sea of perfume that envelopes Every. Single. Friggin’ department store. (Who invented this?)
Don’t shop with a group. You’re on a mission today. In and out. In and out. You’ve been in training for a longgggg time- though not on two feet.
Know your enemy and identify the closest restrooms in every store.
Use the valet parking option. Come to think of it, use this service as often as possible. Anywhere. All the time.
Save your receipts. Most of this shit will be returned.
Purchase your gift wrap in bulk and your wine supplies by the case. I have found an equal ratio is about right for making Merry. This may seem excessive but you can always return any wrapping paper as long as it’s in its original packaging.
Just like long distance marathoners, carb dump the night before. I use any excuse.
Have a list. Have a budget. Be prepared to burn them both with the self-loathing of 2 Corinthians 12:9, “…for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Thank you Lord. I’ll try to make you proud.
And, if everything goes wrong, if your patience is worn raw. If the ‘deals’ you went after are no longer available, if it was all just bait and switch, never fear…
… There are 28 more days to get it RIGHT.
God save the Queen
(And by Queen, I mean Me).